I startled out of a deep sleep, trying to remember whether it is better to turn an out-of-control car into the spin or away from it.
Anyone who knows me would not be surprised to hear that I had a dream about wrecking my car. Driving has never been a strength of mine, and my list of mishaps is a mile long:
- The time in high school when I failed to heed my mom’s advice to always warm the car up on a cold day. Suffice it to say that the small hole I etched into the ice on my windshield was far too tiny to help me recognize and avoid the oncoming van before I turned left in front of it.
- My run-in with the police. They sandwiched my red ford focus between their squad cars and confiscated my keys because they thought I was involved in hit-and-run. It turned out that I only “almost” hit another car and ran.
- The golf-cart incident when I was twelve that foreshadowed the many fender benders in my future.
The list goes on. But despite my extensive defensive driving resume, I am not someone who remembers her dreams. So, when I woke up to a racing heart and the sudden revelation that I had experienced this dream MANY times before, I wondered what it all might mean.
Almost immediately the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart about surrender. It’s another thing that has never come easily to me. I’ve always been the type of person who likes to be in control. Of my life, my future, my relationships, of Olivia’s future … basically everything.
Suddenly I saw my attempts to control my life as the equivalent of a car spinning wildly on a sheet of ice. The effort I make in my own strength is slippery at best. Like black ice, it is deceptive. I don’t know that I am not really in control until it’s too late.
This blog is the fruit of my choice to surrender one more thing to Jesus. I’ve heard God asking me to write it for awhile now and have even been encouraged by a few friends, to whom I gave one flimsy reason or another about why I couldn’t. The truth is I was scared … scared to put myself out there and to become vulnerable to others. Even more scared to write about my sweet Olivia. What would people think of the way we’ve chosen to respond to her diagnosis? Would they label her or underestimate God’s plan for her life?
But if my dream showed me anything it’s that however scary faith in God may be at times, trusting in myself is scarier. I refuse to drive on black ice when I can lean on “the Rock that is higher than I.” (Psalm 61:2)
So here goes! A blog about trusting God with Olivia .. and with everything else too. May we all learn to trust Him more.
Unless the Lord builds a house, the work of the builders is wasted. Unless the Lord protects a city, guarding it with sentries will do no good.–Psalm 127:1
To read Olivia’s Story, click here.